Consent and Communication: Part 2
This is a follow up to my prior post on consent and communication. As a refresher, in Part 1, I talked about how, in order for communication between two people to be successful, both people have to (1) be open and ready for that exchange of ideas to happen (give consent), and then (2) have the time they need to adequately process the information, and respond (processing time).
I also discussed declarative statements that you can use to explore whether your communication partner is in a place or state where they are open and ready to receive information.
In response to that post, I was thrilled to hear from two readers around how they see this idea play out in their lives with their own communication partners.
First, a friend made the connection that when he wants to share information with his employees, he always gains consent first. Usually, he will text them first to say, “Is now a good time to talk?” or “When is a good time for me to give you a call?” Upon hearing this - I thought - of course! Adults in workplaces (and also personal relationships) do this all the time these days. We automatically request time from our communication partner prior to communicating, versus bombarding them with our thoughts, out of respect for both of our time. (For example, it is also not a good use of our time to play phone tag!).
So, the question for us to ponder now is:
Why don’t we do this more consistently or frequently with our students and individuals with disabilities?
The world often bombards them with information and then makes negative assumptions about them when overload happens, without understanding that at its heart, it may just not have been a time that they could receive that information successfully.
Second, a parent made a connection about her work in Hospice. She shared how it is common practice in that space to always gain consent prior to sharing information with a patient or family member. It is understood that the nature of the information or news may be hard to hear, and it is up to each person to decide if or when they want to hear it. What incredible respect and understanding of the fragility of communication, and the toll that processing hard information can take, especially on individuals who are in a vulnerable position.
So again, wouldn’t it be amazing if this was common practice with the kids and adults we support, who are also in vulnerable positions due to their learning differences or communication styles? The world would be a safer, kinder place if we could all give each other this type of respect within communicative exchanges.
Thank you to those two individuals for sharing these personal connections with me!
Now, over the next few blog posts, I want to dive into:
Additional ideas around how to pace communication such that it naturally creates space for consent, and time for processing, and then…
Ideas related to gaining consent based on the type of information we may want to share. Example categories of information include discussing varying perspectives or points of view, sharing problem solving ideas, and offering information related to world knowledge, personal experiences, and elements related to the bigger picture (context) at hand, that may not always be perceivable or known.
I’ll cover #1 in this post, and #2 next time.
But First: A Shout Out!!
Before I start this part of my post, I want to give a BIG shout out to Zach Morris, a colleague, friend, and educator who often talks about consent. I know that my ideas on this topic really took off after first hearing him speak at the PDANA Annual conference two years ago, and have expanded in complexity as I have continued to learn from him. I am extremely grateful for Zach’s work, and want to be sure to give credit to him now.
Alive at Learn - Zach Morris’s Practice
If you don’t yet know Zach…
He is an amazing thought leader in the educational space, and I strongly suggest checking out his work, especially if you want to be blown away, and have hope in the ways educational systems can be transformed.
Now, back to pacing communication such that it creates space for consent, and allows time for processing….
Creating Space for Consent, and Time for Processing
I often think of the beauty and grace of written communication and how this mode of communication can naturally build in consent and processing time - for everyone. For example, imagine you get a text or an email, or even a hand written note or letter.
There is communication waiting for you, to be received. But, just because you received it does not mean you have to read it right that minute. You have choice, you can pace yourself, you can take in that information when you have the bandwidth or capacity to do so. You have autonomy: You decide!
Can you feel how different this is from when someone delivers information at a time that you are not ready or available for it? For example, someone barges into your office and speaks at you, giving you news you weren’t ready to hear. Or information you aren’t able to process sufficiently because your thoughts are on something else. The rest of your day may be negatively impacted as a result.
With written communication, you also have autonomy as a communication partner to decide when and how you respond. You can take your time to formulate your thoughts, and craft the response that matches what you want to say, in the way you want to say it. When you respond in writing, you have the opportunity to provide a thoughtful response, versus a knee-jerk reaction. If you choose to, you can put forth effort to communicate in a way that is clear and sensitive to the other person.
When writing…
You have the time to explain something you want to explain, and time to communicate with care, if that is important.
Here’s another illustration of this idea in action.
Imagine you are in the middle of your work day. You receive an email and by the subject, you can tell it is going to be heavy or perhaps bad news. It might be urgent, in which case you may need to take it in right then. But it might not be urgent or time sensitive, just unpleasant or thought provoking or complex. Or, its contents may simply be uncertain or unknown, which can also create feelings of worry.
One quick example might be a message from your doctor that simply says, “TEST RESULTS”. Yikes!! The timing of when we read that information matters, and it really helps when we have control over it. Maybe you know that if you read it right away, it will interrupt your work flow, which won’t be helpful if - for example - you have to finish the project you are working on by 5pm! So, you save the email for a moment or time, later in the day perhaps, when you know you have the capacity to receive and manage the incoming information. You have control.
By waiting, you have also slowed down the communication between you and the sender, and you have embedded processing time for yourself in the process.
Alternatively, if you sense it is an email that is light or funny, you may choose to read it right away because you know it won’t interrupt your work flow and may even give you the lift or chuckle or quick break you need to then more successfully shift your attention back to what you need to do.
Within either situation, you had autonomy around when to take in the communication from the other person: you were able to consent to the timing of it all.
Working with Teens and Adults
When I work with parents or caregivers of teens or adults, I share this idea of how written communication often can be more successful and effective than spoken language. This is because (again): it will slow down communication, create space for consent, and naturally embed processing time for all.
It also allows the caregiver time to formulate their words and thoughts using declarative language so that they can deliver important information with care and sensitivity.
In contrast, often when information gets delivered quickly in the heat of a spoken exchange, things can fall apart or escalate quickly. This is usually because each person is not receiving the processing time they need.
With written communication such as: texts, emails, a hand written note (on piece of paper, whiteboard, or calendar, or in a notebook or journal), or even a voice memo sent via text with the subject listed (e.g., “Voice memo regarding X”), the recipient can choose when they are ready to read or take in our message, and respond thoughtfully as they too have time to formulate their reply.
If our goal is to maintain successful communication, this type of adaptation can be both an easy and important thing to do.
Last, to piggyback on the ideas in Part 1, you may even use declarative language as a preview prior to the written exchange with the actual information. For example, you could text: “I have information to share. Is now a good time for me to text it to you?” or you could email, “I have important information to share about next week. I could possibly tell you when I see you, email you, or send it in a text. Does one of these ways work best for you?”
I know this is an extra step, and therefore may feel like it takes extra time. But, at the end of the day, it increases the likelihood that your communication will be successful, which is what we all want, and will build connection, positively, thoughtfully and methodically.
So remember…
Consent can make all the difference in the world around whether someone will engage with your thoughts (or dance with them!), or not. Communication is about giving and receiving. Both parts are required. It will not be successful if we send a message to a person who is not ready to receive it. Just like a game of catch: if the other person is not ready to put out their hands to the catch the ball when we pass it, it will drop.
It is okay to and important to wait for the moment that we are both ready.
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