Consent and Communication
I have been thinking about this topic for a while but have hesitated to get started because it sometimes feels too big or complex to untangle. But I guess that is what I love to do: to untangle, or break down, complex topics so that they can be easily understood and appreciated! So, here goes…
I want to talk about the ideas of consent and communication, and how they come together. But to do this well, I I have to back up and start at two of my favorite places of thought: what exactly is communication, and what is the most helpful way to think about processing, or more specifically, processing new information, as we communicate and share information with each other.
Communication first.
Communication is give and take, to and fro, back and forth. When at its best, it is an exchange of novel but connected ideas. Authentic and meaningful communication requires both people to be ready, open, and willing. Ready to share, ready to receive, ready to share and receive again, and so on. When it’s working, it goes like this: I share a thought, you receive it, and pass back a thought of your own, using language and/or nonverbal communication, that is connected in some way to mine. Together, we weave a story, an idea, a conversation, a narrative … it all develops and unfolds beautifully, and not entirely predictably. It can be a quick exchange in the moment, or it can be created over the course of time.
Now, processing.
To successfully engage in this communicative dance, we have to be at a place in our own thoughts where we can take in what our communication partner is sharing, have the time we need to adequately process it, have time to formulate our response, and have the time to express it. (Communication can seem so simple, but really there is a lot going on!)
If the information between us moves too quickly, either one of us may not have time to adequately process it and respond. Therefore, when we want to share important information with another person, and we want them to be able to take it in successfully and be able to respond to it thoughtfully, it is in everyone’s best interest to ensure they are in a state of mind where they can receive it, and that they have the time they need to process it.
If either of these things are not in place (not able to receive information at that moment for whatever reason, not enough time to process it), there will likely be a breakdown of some sort. For example, our words might not be heard, or they may be misunderstood. It could look like our communication partner is ignoring us. Or sometimes, our communication partner may respond defensively … (or maybe we should call it “protectively”?), to slow down or pause the incoming information that their system cannot manage at that moment, before it overwhelms them. Example responses in this regard might be arguing, protesting, saying “no” without seeming to give what was said much thought, and so on. Again, these are often responses to prevent overload (i.e., “Please don’t say anything else right now because I am not able to take it in or process it at this moment”).
In contrast, when our communication partner is open and ready to receive the information we want to share, it often goes well! Readiness makes a difference. The information exchange could still be uncomfortable, because comfort is not always the goal, but they may be more open to what we have to say, because they are in a place where they know they can manage it without becoming overwhelmed. Their responses may be a softer, or thoughtful “no”, or a “maybe”, or acceptance of a new idea, or they may even simply ask for time to think about what we have shared. These are all ways that uncomfortable communication can grow, when it is delivered at a time that respects the manner in which communication and processing work hand-in-hand.
So, it is important, that when we have something we want to share that may be hard or uncomfortable or unpleasant, or even just new or slightly noteworthy, to ensure the other person is ready to receive it. This is what will help things build. Which is what we want. And this is where consent comes in.
Consent and Communication
It is such a small thing, but gaining consent from a communication partner that “now” is a good time to share uncomfortable news, or even just nuggets of new information that require some processing, can make all the difference in the world in terms of that communication being successful, and connecting.
Ways that we can gain consent prior to communicating something important, new, or potentially uncomfortable are declarative statements, observations, and wonderings such as these:
I have something important to tell you, and I’m wondering if now is a good time?
I’d love to share a thought with you…. Would it be okay if I shared it now, or would later be better?
There is an upcoming change that I want to fill you in on. Does it work if I tell you now?
I’ve been thinking about our disagreement yesterday, and I’d love to talk about it more. Could I share my thoughts with you now?
Often, what will happen in these moments, is the other person alerts, but also recognizes that they have some autonomy in this moment around whether they are in a good place to receive information that could potentially be hard to process and manage.
In my experience, curiosity frequently wins out, and the person consents to receiving what we have to share. But at other times, the person may say, “no, not right now”. In which case, we can be very happy that they self-advocated for what they needed and could handle in that moment, that they communicated openly and successfully with us, and that we all have left the door open to come back to that thought later (“Thanks for letting me know this is not a good time. I’ll circle back to it later so we can find a better time to connect on this topic that is important”).
Without consent…?
In contrast, when we share information or push forward, when the other person may not be equipped to receive it, they can become overwhelmed. They may respond using protective communication with greater intensity. Or, they may shut down, disengaging from us fully, not hearing what we wanted to share anyway. When their system is not ready for new information, and we force it, they may become overloaded, the situation can get worse, our communication together falters, and we are no longer building together, but tearing things down.
Slow and Steady
Although this pace of communication may take longer, it will be more successful because it observes and respects the cues of each communication parnter, and recognizes that communication is always a dynamic dance that needs both of us to be there for it. We will still get to where we need to go, and build what we need to build. And when we appreciate the rhythm of each partner, it will always make for a more meaningful, authentic, and grounded dance.
But wait, there’s more…!
I still have a few more things say about consent and communication, but I think this is enough for now. Stay tuned and have a great week!
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