My Bad!

Do your kids sometimes have difficulty taking responsibility for their own actions and mistakes? Mine do! For example, sometimes if one child is in trouble for doing X, he may immediately deflect and state he did it because his sibling, friend, classmate, etc. did Y. This area is a steady work in progress in our house!

Making mistakes, and then owning up to these mistakes, can be hard for many kids. Maybe they don’t like feeling vulnerable. Maybe they don’t like the feeling of knowing they did something wrong. Maybe they don’t like admitting they don’t know something. I think most people find these feelings uncomfortable.

One small thing you can do – right away – is use declarative language to comment on your own mistakes, lack of knowledge, and uncertainty in the moment. The more kids hear us express these emotional states, the more they see that we all feel uncertain, vulnerable, and less competent at times. This can normalize these feelings, and help kids feel brave enough to take this risk themselves. I talk about this specifically in Chapter 6 of Declarative Language Handbook.

Example DL statements might be:

Hmmm… I am just not sure about that.

That is a great question! I don’t know the answer yet.

Oh – my bad! I made a mistake and shouldn’t have done that.

Very sorry about that … my mistake!

Oops! I was wrong about that.

Importantly, then model next steps and problem solving:

Maybe you could help me fix my mistake?

Let’s look up the answer to that question together.

I’m wondering what I could’ve done differently there.

The more we model these types of DL statements, the more likely we are to hear our kids say them on their own at some point in the future. Remember, with DL, you are thoughtfully choosing your words today, so your child uses them on their own tomorrow.

Last night I heard my son say, “My bad!” when he forgot to clean up a spill on the kitchen floor that led to his brother falling down. I also heard him say it to a teammate after making a bad pass not that long ago. I smiled to myself and took note in those moments that my language models are making a difference! Although I might not hear him accept responsibility each time I’d like him to, his use of this phrase told me progress is happening, one exchange at a time.

Have a great week!

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